If u would read my "Memori Muharam" below,U would notice that I had to break it into 5 parts. Have been having problems publishing my posts and just wanna let u people know that it's rather frustrating BUT...please..believe me...I DO have stories to tell....
So read on..
...and still counting...
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Sunday 28 January 2007
Memori Muharam ( part 5 and the finale )
...continued from part 4...(PLEASE!! don't be lazy. Read my previous posts...)
I went out,without changing my outfit,to her primary school to fetch her home. At home,during the funeral rites,I refused to talk to anyone. Some relatives noticed the change in me and one of my uncles tried to console me and said that he knew I was holding back and he asked me to let go of my grief..Told him I couldn't cry anymore although I knew she meant the world to me.I don't really know why.I grieve for her but maybe I just don't wanna lose it there in front of the family. When it was time to go to the cemetery,I completely blacked out due to a very high fever,which came on sooo suddenly.My uncle stayed behind to bring me to the doc.At night,my relatives bunked in.Some of us,including me,decided to sleep in the room where she died.But as the nite grew,I noticed that they scampered out one by one to sleep in the living room,leaving me all alone.Were they scared?I don't know.I just knew that I shouldn't be afraid of the shadows of my loved ones. In the morning,while they were busy talking among themselves about strange 'noises' that they heard thru the nite,I was thinking of how to cope with the fact that she is no more with me.
Meeha bte Asmawee.
Years have passed.But forgotten,she will not be.For she , and all my loved ones who have gone, will always be mentioned in my prayers,for as long as I live.
Al-Fatehah.....
I went out,without changing my outfit,to her primary school to fetch her home. At home,during the funeral rites,I refused to talk to anyone. Some relatives noticed the change in me and one of my uncles tried to console me and said that he knew I was holding back and he asked me to let go of my grief..Told him I couldn't cry anymore although I knew she meant the world to me.I don't really know why.I grieve for her but maybe I just don't wanna lose it there in front of the family. When it was time to go to the cemetery,I completely blacked out due to a very high fever,which came on sooo suddenly.My uncle stayed behind to bring me to the doc.At night,my relatives bunked in.Some of us,including me,decided to sleep in the room where she died.But as the nite grew,I noticed that they scampered out one by one to sleep in the living room,leaving me all alone.Were they scared?I don't know.I just knew that I shouldn't be afraid of the shadows of my loved ones. In the morning,while they were busy talking among themselves about strange 'noises' that they heard thru the nite,I was thinking of how to cope with the fact that she is no more with me.
Meeha bte Asmawee.
Years have passed.But forgotten,she will not be.For she , and all my loved ones who have gone, will always be mentioned in my prayers,for as long as I live.
Al-Fatehah.....
Memori Muharam ( part 4 )
...continued from part 3...
I uttered my destination to him in between my teeth,shivering with cold.I also apologised to him for wetting the seat with my drenched self.As he drove,he noticed my uncontrollable sobs and asked me bluntly if there was a family death. I thanked him for his understanding and he drove me quickly but safely.May he be blessed because he did not want to take the fare from me and that he wanted to do a sedekah.
Back home,tears and cries from tired faces greeted me from the staircase.I surprised everyone when I showed up in a drenched state but no more tears.No more tears. How come?..I don't really know.Took a step of faith and courage and went up to face my motionless Gran on her bed.I looked at her peaceful sleeping face and whispered:'Innalillahi wainnalillahi raji'uun'(From God we came and to God we return)
My cousins rushed in one by one,in their school uniforms,crying.I looked around.Where's Lela?
I uttered my destination to him in between my teeth,shivering with cold.I also apologised to him for wetting the seat with my drenched self.As he drove,he noticed my uncontrollable sobs and asked me bluntly if there was a family death. I thanked him for his understanding and he drove me quickly but safely.May he be blessed because he did not want to take the fare from me and that he wanted to do a sedekah.
Back home,tears and cries from tired faces greeted me from the staircase.I surprised everyone when I showed up in a drenched state but no more tears.No more tears. How come?..I don't really know.Took a step of faith and courage and went up to face my motionless Gran on her bed.I looked at her peaceful sleeping face and whispered:'Innalillahi wainnalillahi raji'uun'(From God we came and to God we return)
My cousins rushed in one by one,in their school uniforms,crying.I looked around.Where's Lela?
Memori Muharam ( part 3 )
...continued from part 2...
She's not going to wait for me..
I remember vividly when weeks b4 her death,the doctor broke the news that she's beyond cure and that we shud all be ready for 'it'.Every nite,I kept vigil beside her bed,reciting the Quran.Calls from then-boyfriend were ignored. I prayed to Allah that if she were to be taken away,I'm ready and redha as I didn't want to see her suffer anymore.She was already bed-ridden,paralysed from torso down.We took turns staying awake through day and nite,and I even took a week's leave from work. Alas,when I had to return to work on that fateful Monday morning,I received the dreaded call from my mom,saying that she breathed her last about half an hour after I whispered to her ear that I got to go back to work and that I'll be with her again later in the evening. I clammed up the mug that I was holding for the morning drink and after informing the boss,stormed off from the building. My mind was a thick cloud of uncertainty and disbelief.I decided to take a cab home.Taxi.Taxi.Half and hour by the roadside.No taxi.Adding to the drama,the sky opened up to unleash its merciless downpour.I was without an umbrella.I murmured her name.I just walked along the then-halway-reconstructed Raffles Hotel that underwent renovation towards Raffles City or Sogo as it was known then,hoping to get a cab from the stand. Passers-by glued their eyes on me as I walked in a daze,fully drenched,my wet long hair covering 3/4 of my face,in my blue&white mini kurung which clung tightly to my body.My tears went unnoticed as the rain continuously pour down on me..I finally got a cab driven by a Malay uncle.
She's not going to wait for me..
I remember vividly when weeks b4 her death,the doctor broke the news that she's beyond cure and that we shud all be ready for 'it'.Every nite,I kept vigil beside her bed,reciting the Quran.Calls from then-boyfriend were ignored. I prayed to Allah that if she were to be taken away,I'm ready and redha as I didn't want to see her suffer anymore.She was already bed-ridden,paralysed from torso down.We took turns staying awake through day and nite,and I even took a week's leave from work. Alas,when I had to return to work on that fateful Monday morning,I received the dreaded call from my mom,saying that she breathed her last about half an hour after I whispered to her ear that I got to go back to work and that I'll be with her again later in the evening. I clammed up the mug that I was holding for the morning drink and after informing the boss,stormed off from the building. My mind was a thick cloud of uncertainty and disbelief.I decided to take a cab home.Taxi.Taxi.Half and hour by the roadside.No taxi.Adding to the drama,the sky opened up to unleash its merciless downpour.I was without an umbrella.I murmured her name.I just walked along the then-halway-reconstructed Raffles Hotel that underwent renovation towards Raffles City or Sogo as it was known then,hoping to get a cab from the stand. Passers-by glued their eyes on me as I walked in a daze,fully drenched,my wet long hair covering 3/4 of my face,in my blue&white mini kurung which clung tightly to my body.My tears went unnoticed as the rain continuously pour down on me..I finally got a cab driven by a Malay uncle.
Memori Muharam ( part 2 )
..continued from part 1...
I remember one devilish lady that barred me from entering her house.I could not go beyond her red concrete stairs.I swore that I would not be insulted in my life and neither will my Gran.I swore to be a successful person not in money-material,but as a successful thinker.I would put these people to shame.
Despite that,she always advised me to endure hardship and said that there's always sunshine after rain.I continued helping my Gran in her work.I would sell kueh that she made.I would pound chillies with the ancient batu giling in a terkangkang pose.Hard work,but as long as she's beside me,we found solace in each other.She taught me how to pray for the first time,alongside her,in our boyan-telekung that she sewed herself.It had sleeves to put yr arms in for easier Takbiratul-Ihram.She introduced me to self-sufficiency,appreciating every little thing,every morsel that were granted to us.She made me love kuah-celok,cencaru sumbat and more Boyan goodies.She taught me the Boyan (Bawean) language,in which I practice till now,to anyone who knew the unique accent.She sent me to madrasah and nursed me to health whenever I was gravely ill.She would protect me from anyone who despises my Madras heritage. She could protect me from lustful eyes of the kampung boysShe would protect me if anyone ,including my mom,tried to lay a finger on me.I was her darling,and for that I was loathed by some..She would ensure my wellbeing.In return,I always told her how I'm gonna grow up,excel in studies,get a good job,and shower her with luxurious necessities and make sure she'll be served.And everytime when I said that, she would just crack a smile that spelled "insya Allah..."
But alas...I couldn't predict the future.
I remember one devilish lady that barred me from entering her house.I could not go beyond her red concrete stairs.I swore that I would not be insulted in my life and neither will my Gran.I swore to be a successful person not in money-material,but as a successful thinker.I would put these people to shame.
Despite that,she always advised me to endure hardship and said that there's always sunshine after rain.I continued helping my Gran in her work.I would sell kueh that she made.I would pound chillies with the ancient batu giling in a terkangkang pose.Hard work,but as long as she's beside me,we found solace in each other.She taught me how to pray for the first time,alongside her,in our boyan-telekung that she sewed herself.It had sleeves to put yr arms in for easier Takbiratul-Ihram.She introduced me to self-sufficiency,appreciating every little thing,every morsel that were granted to us.She made me love kuah-celok,cencaru sumbat and more Boyan goodies.She taught me the Boyan (Bawean) language,in which I practice till now,to anyone who knew the unique accent.She sent me to madrasah and nursed me to health whenever I was gravely ill.She would protect me from anyone who despises my Madras heritage. She could protect me from lustful eyes of the kampung boysShe would protect me if anyone ,including my mom,tried to lay a finger on me.I was her darling,and for that I was loathed by some..She would ensure my wellbeing.In return,I always told her how I'm gonna grow up,excel in studies,get a good job,and shower her with luxurious necessities and make sure she'll be served.And everytime when I said that, she would just crack a smile that spelled "insya Allah..."
But alas...I couldn't predict the future.
Memori Muharam ( part 1 )
To all Muslim readers, Salam Maal Hijrah 1428.The date is supposed to bring a ray of hope to us but somehow,to me,it portrays a painful memory when at this day of the muslim calendar,ie. 20th July 1990,I lost my beloved Granny.She died from multiple diagnosis.Although she's not my real biological Grandma,(she adopted my Mum)I have always regarded her as my own,eversince I could remember her voice and recognise her face.She's my Granny and my Mum,all rolled into one woman of substance.I lived with her as my parents were working when I was still little.Born in the kampung,No. 97B,Jalan Alsagoff is my world.My parents were also from the same area but quite further away from us,at Jalan Ubi,taking along my big sis Icah with them,leaving her under the care of Mak Esah the babysitter.So,I remained with Gran and Awa(her late husband who died 11 years after)until we moved to the humble little 3-room flat in 1978.I remember her as my mentor and saviour.She was the face of love that greeted my eyes from sunrise and the one to serenade me to sleep.She would force down half-boiled eggs with kicap as breakfast of the champions for me every morning without fail,before sending me off to the kampung's PAP kindergarten.She would tocang my long keling hair after slapping my head with minyak MBR.(the decade's most trusted hair oil)that eventually lead to my present thick jet-black hair.She's a cat-lover who would always entertain me with her Perang Jepun stories while cuffing my ankles with her nimble but strong fists,rummaging through her hair in search of kutu.
Although Awa was working,she was independent and resourceful.She would make kueh for me to sell around the kampung and worked as a washerwoman,to boost her duit pasar so as to give me the best that she could afford.I would follow her to the houses of the rich and helped to wash,wring and dry out the clothes. Daily.I remember
Although Awa was working,she was independent and resourceful.She would make kueh for me to sell around the kampung and worked as a washerwoman,to boost her duit pasar so as to give me the best that she could afford.I would follow her to the houses of the rich and helped to wash,wring and dry out the clothes. Daily.I remember
Saturday 6 January 2007
A shoulder to cry on..
I wanna say something.Something extremely weird happened to me yesterday night. As the sun was leaving the day, a tremendous sense of sadness engulfed me,overcasting a shadow of doubt deep within my heart. This uninvited feeling came about slowly but rapidly palpitating me into a horrific halt. If u are starting to think 'what the heck is she talkin about',...well, guess what...it's even harder for me to explain what is it that I was feeling...
I was going about doing what I always did around that time (well,come to think about it,I don't really know what I did..)..chatting away with the kids,fixing dinner,n stuff like that...and it came. A suspension of feeling in the form of a mega-magnitude of worry, sadness, sorrow, anxiety, guilt, fear, extreme fear, extreme extreme fear, brewed in me. I can't tell u guys what the cause was, although I knew WHY I felt that way. Really can't tell. But the question is: why is it so damn EXTREME? These expressions came about throughout our lives commonly and we managed to hold it down. But yesterday was an exception. I was propelled into a self-concocting well of tears that could very well drown my own eyeballs. I don't feel like smiling. I don't think that I wanna be happy again.I suddenly felt this dreadful feeling of : what if I can't smile anymore? I need this smile to give me the sun and to dry up my rain.I tried to stay calm and sort this killing feeling inside me but it got me and I finally succumbed into a deep sorrowful act. I cried - like I never cried before. My heart spoke hand-in-hand with my mind,in a language of broken tears.Prayed for an answer.Prayed for strength. Prayed for protection. Only Allah knows what I was feeling and the answers to my questions. My heart felt mutilated - wrenched,ripped,torn. I couldn't sleep and would not sleep.It went on thru the dragging night. Hub asked me what was wrong. I couldn't answer him. I just asked for permission to give some space for me to let go of my flooding tears. I told him I don't want 'anything bad to happen'. He felt frustrated that I was talking in circles, adding that we would not be called a normal human being if we were to know the answers to every question.
Late into the night, God answered my prayers and the 'nasty' feelings subsided at a steady pace. Call me a paranoid if u want. I don't care. But I knew if my prayers weren't granted, I don't know how I could carry on anymore.....
I just thot of sharing this with u. I was thinking :
When you sail in the sea of life,
Do not avoid the storms and rough waters,
Becuz calm seas,
Will never make skillful sailors.
God is Great and may you always be blessed,my loved ones.
(Abg - I luv u..)
Salam Sayang, Salam Ukhwah,
Sayang Suhana.
I was going about doing what I always did around that time (well,come to think about it,I don't really know what I did..)..chatting away with the kids,fixing dinner,n stuff like that...and it came. A suspension of feeling in the form of a mega-magnitude of worry, sadness, sorrow, anxiety, guilt, fear, extreme fear, extreme extreme fear, brewed in me. I can't tell u guys what the cause was, although I knew WHY I felt that way. Really can't tell. But the question is: why is it so damn EXTREME? These expressions came about throughout our lives commonly and we managed to hold it down. But yesterday was an exception. I was propelled into a self-concocting well of tears that could very well drown my own eyeballs. I don't feel like smiling. I don't think that I wanna be happy again.I suddenly felt this dreadful feeling of : what if I can't smile anymore? I need this smile to give me the sun and to dry up my rain.I tried to stay calm and sort this killing feeling inside me but it got me and I finally succumbed into a deep sorrowful act. I cried - like I never cried before. My heart spoke hand-in-hand with my mind,in a language of broken tears.Prayed for an answer.Prayed for strength. Prayed for protection. Only Allah knows what I was feeling and the answers to my questions. My heart felt mutilated - wrenched,ripped,torn. I couldn't sleep and would not sleep.It went on thru the dragging night. Hub asked me what was wrong. I couldn't answer him. I just asked for permission to give some space for me to let go of my flooding tears. I told him I don't want 'anything bad to happen'. He felt frustrated that I was talking in circles, adding that we would not be called a normal human being if we were to know the answers to every question.
Late into the night, God answered my prayers and the 'nasty' feelings subsided at a steady pace. Call me a paranoid if u want. I don't care. But I knew if my prayers weren't granted, I don't know how I could carry on anymore.....
I just thot of sharing this with u. I was thinking :
When you sail in the sea of life,
Do not avoid the storms and rough waters,
Becuz calm seas,
Will never make skillful sailors.
God is Great and may you always be blessed,my loved ones.
(Abg - I luv u..)
Salam Sayang, Salam Ukhwah,
Sayang Suhana.
Tuesday 2 January 2007
First to Bata...then to school
...ooohh...3rd January. A date that'll mark the 1st day of school.Mixed feelings accompany the various needs of the students. Some excited,some not.For the not,the dreaded mornings would be the prime culprit,followed by the homeworks n stuff. For the excited?..well...maybe the reunion of frenz or 'boyfrenz'?.Hmm...
I'm very,extremely,absolutely,famous for being the most 'LAST MINUTE'person on the face of this earth.(ask my frenz,and they'll agree to it simultaneously)Therefore,it is only today - yes - today, that I just bought the girls their shoes.Was thinking of buying them earlier,but thot that their feet might grow a little more bigger if I shud buy them during the holidays.*Lame excuse*...Anyway,not @Bata,..but the little shoe shop downstairs that u can see from my kitchen window.Though not exclusive,I'm proud to patronize it for the cheap tag and realistically,very comfortable to wear gears.So,bought them their shoes n some stationery.
To add value to my LAST MINUTE LADY title, I washed their uniforms,iron, n everything in the whole of today..hehe...take that!Itu bukan last minute, itu namanya TERROR or as they call it - cari nahas!..However,b4 u shake yr head in disbelief or try hard to senyum sinis, let me tell u this - I am so GOOD as doing things at the eleventh hour,no details ever slipped from my mind!..call me action or snobbish ...up to u..but I am what I am..at least I got everything done MYSELF!..not like some other people yg sikit2 mintak tolong buat itu lah,ini lah...MENYAAAAAMPAH!
9.30pm - I tucked the girls to bed. Some of u out there night think...yek eleh...siang nya!!...but I believe in a good head start for my girlz for their school days...Gone will be the late afternoon getups,..& hello sunshine coz..the year is up and we're off to school again!..
Goooooooooooodd Moorrningg,..Teacheeeeerrr!
I'm very,extremely,absolutely,famous for being the most 'LAST MINUTE'person on the face of this earth.(ask my frenz,and they'll agree to it simultaneously)Therefore,it is only today - yes - today, that I just bought the girls their shoes.Was thinking of buying them earlier,but thot that their feet might grow a little more bigger if I shud buy them during the holidays.*Lame excuse*...Anyway,not @Bata,..but the little shoe shop downstairs that u can see from my kitchen window.Though not exclusive,I'm proud to patronize it for the cheap tag and realistically,very comfortable to wear gears.So,bought them their shoes n some stationery.
To add value to my LAST MINUTE LADY title, I washed their uniforms,iron, n everything in the whole of today..hehe...take that!Itu bukan last minute, itu namanya TERROR or as they call it - cari nahas!..However,b4 u shake yr head in disbelief or try hard to senyum sinis, let me tell u this - I am so GOOD as doing things at the eleventh hour,no details ever slipped from my mind!..call me action or snobbish ...up to u..but I am what I am..at least I got everything done MYSELF!..not like some other people yg sikit2 mintak tolong buat itu lah,ini lah...MENYAAAAAMPAH!
9.30pm - I tucked the girls to bed. Some of u out there night think...yek eleh...siang nya!!...but I believe in a good head start for my girlz for their school days...Gone will be the late afternoon getups,..& hello sunshine coz..the year is up and we're off to school again!..
Goooooooooooodd Moorrningg,..Teacheeeeerrr!
Monday 1 January 2007
Its 2007 and Aidiladha 1427H! (part 2)
(ini blogger kasi problem lagi lah..sebab tu kena part 2 lagi..jgn malas ah...baca the previous post dulu la...)
Hari Raya Haji pulak, I did the same with my side of the family at my house jugak.But my darling brother Boboy takde pasal kerja. Din pun takde pasal kena duty kat Sentosa bcuz of the countdown - sampai besok pagi.Mmm...miz u , guys...But,anyway.. Food? MasyaAllah! Satay,nasi,sambal goreng,ayam goreng,sambal sotong kering,serunding,kari daging,roti kirai,salad telur,kuih lopes,ketupat,lontong,lepat,roti perancis, and the list goes on...dasyat!Walaupun potluck, tapi bole kasi makan satu kampung!..Karaoke jugak..dlm banyak2,suara Wan dgn aku kira fantastic lah..(hehe)..Icah cuba nak nyanyi tapi kena lempar dgn tapawe..mak pun nyanyi..lagu Emilia Contessa,Uji Rashid plus lagu kental Sanisah Huri iaitu si Baju Hijau..
Takpe lah...sekali2..we had fun jugak and rumahku sekali lagi macam kena bom. Kemas mcm nak rak,sampai the stroke of midnite. Nasib baik lepas tu tak jadi pumpkin aku.Lepas tu tengok Laila Isabella. Walaupun da pernah tengok, aku tengok lagi pasal its sooooooo romantic and cute..(luv u, abg..)...ape2 pun, aku bersyukur kerana diberi peluang menghabiskan masaku berkumpul dgn ahli2 keluarga dari kedua pihak sehingga berakhirnya 2006. Cerita Tahun Baru?...tungguuuu......
Hari Raya Haji pulak, I did the same with my side of the family at my house jugak.But my darling brother Boboy takde pasal kerja. Din pun takde pasal kena duty kat Sentosa bcuz of the countdown - sampai besok pagi.Mmm...miz u , guys...But,anyway.. Food? MasyaAllah! Satay,nasi,sambal goreng,ayam goreng,sambal sotong kering,serunding,kari daging,roti kirai,salad telur,kuih lopes,ketupat,lontong,lepat,roti perancis, and the list goes on...dasyat!Walaupun potluck, tapi bole kasi makan satu kampung!..Karaoke jugak..dlm banyak2,suara Wan dgn aku kira fantastic lah..(hehe)..Icah cuba nak nyanyi tapi kena lempar dgn tapawe..mak pun nyanyi..lagu Emilia Contessa,Uji Rashid plus lagu kental Sanisah Huri iaitu si Baju Hijau..
Takpe lah...sekali2..we had fun jugak and rumahku sekali lagi macam kena bom. Kemas mcm nak rak,sampai the stroke of midnite. Nasib baik lepas tu tak jadi pumpkin aku.Lepas tu tengok Laila Isabella. Walaupun da pernah tengok, aku tengok lagi pasal its sooooooo romantic and cute..(luv u, abg..)...ape2 pun, aku bersyukur kerana diberi peluang menghabiskan masaku berkumpul dgn ahli2 keluarga dari kedua pihak sehingga berakhirnya 2006. Cerita Tahun Baru?...tungguuuu......
Its 2007 and Aidiladha 1427H!
In a blink of an eye, another year just went by.It's 2007,in the midst of Aidiladha celebrations. Some will close an eye towards Hari Raya Haji,but will berhempas pulas to celebrate the new year countdown. Last Christmas,I spent the public holiday,(not christmas,ah..)hosting a feast-bbq-karaoke session at my place with hub's family.Food included satay,mee rebus daging,tomyam steamboat(nak cerita pasal steamboat ni pun,sedih..)and ntah ape2 lagi lah,..tak ingat.Da puas makan,kitorang nyanyi. biasalah,lagu wajib senah (Wajah Kekasih)mesti kena on punya.Dia nyanyi dgn Tipah.Lagu ni kalau tak dikumandangkan, alamat tak sah. Lagu wajib #2, sung by Luncai Emas kita dgn diiringi Ipin, iaitu a medley of lagu2 Radja,Relaku Pujuk by Spider, and the whole collection of M Nasir.Luncai Emas aka (budak2 gelar) Street Warrior, kalau da pegang mike, kirim salam lah kepada yg lain2 yg ada hati nak nyanyi.Dah puas nyanyi sampai 12mdnite,kitorang hentam cerita hantu,movie after movie sampai 4am..terpekik pekau...ah ngkau!.Dorang balik, rumah aku macam kena bom. Tapi tak kisah la...enjoy giler..
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